In a move that’s cheesier than a Wisconsin dairy convention, the Green Bay Packers have reportedly gone all-in to lock down kicker Brandon McManus, who turns 34 this July, with a contract so massive it could fund a fleet of snowplows or at least keep Lambeau’s beer taps flowing through 2030. The veteran leg, who joined the Packers in 2024 and somehow didn’t shank them out of playoff contention, is allegedly being wooed with a deal that’s turning heads—and turning rival GMs green with envy (or maybe just frostbite).
The scoop comes straight from a Titletown barstool, where our exclusive source—a Packers towel boy who claims McManus once signed his cheesehead—says GM Brian Gutekunst barged into a late-night meeting wielding a contract “scribbled on a bratwurst wrapper” worth “$50 million over five years, a custom ice-fishing yacht, and a lifetime supply of Spotted Cow.” “Brandon’s our guy,” Gutekunst allegedly growled, chugging a pint for emphasis. “He’s 34, sure, but that leg’s got more juice than a snowblower on steroids—we’re not letting him walk, even if I have to chain him to the goalpost!”
McManus, who went 15-for-18 on field goals in 2024 after stepping in midseason to save Green Bay from its cursed kicking carousel, isn’t even a free agent until March—but why let a pesky offseason slow down this absurdity? Sources say the Packers are so desperate to avoid another Anders Carlson-esque disaster that they’re ready to pay McManus like he’s Aaron Rodgers reincarnated with a stronger calf and less attitude. “He’s the only guy who didn’t make me want to punt my TV,” one fan X’d, summing up the sentiment in a fanbase still traumatized by decades of upright nightmares.
But the deal’s got a twist wilder than a blizzard on I-43. Rumor has it McManus demanded a clause letting him “kick the opening coin toss into Lake Michigan” every home game, plus a personal snowmobile painted in Packers colors with a horn that blares “Sweet Caroline” on every field goal. “I’m 34—I’ve earned some flair,” he allegedly told teammates while bench-pressing a keg of Leinie’s, according to our source. “If they want me ‘til I’m 40, I’m turning Lambeau into my personal winter wonderland!”
Not everyone’s cheering this kicker cash grab, though. NFL insider Ian Rapoport X’d last night: “McManus at $10M a year? Either Green Bay’s lost it, or they think he’s kicking them straight to the Super Bowl.” Rival fans are howling: Vikings supporters called it “a desperate cry from a dying dynasty,” while Bears fans just posted crying Jordan memes—because what else do they have? Packers faithful, meanwhile, are split: half are ready to crown McManus the new Lombardi, the other half are muttering, “$50 million for a kicker? We could’ve bought a new secondary!”
The stakes spiked when McManus was allegedly spotted this week at a Green Bay ice rink, nailing 60-yard field goals through a snowstorm while livestreaming to his 300,000 TikTok followers. Witnesses claim he shouted, “This is my prime—watch me boot Rodgers’s ghost out of Titletown!” before slipping on ice and laughing it off—content that’s already hit 1.2 million views and scored a sponsorship from Yeti coolers.
What’s next? If McManus signs this monster deal, he’ll be the NFL’s richest kicker since… well, ever, turning 34 into a golden birthday with a golden leg. Picture it: McManus drilling 50-yarders in subzero temps, Gutekunst cackling from a luxury ice shanty, and Packers fans finally believing in a postseason without a shank-induced meltdown. Or maybe it’s just another Green Bay fever dream, doomed to end in a blocked kick and a collective “same old Packers” shrug.
McManus’s latest X post, dropped this morning, keeps the hype alive: “34 and still kicking—Green Bay, you ready?” Ready for what, Brandon? A fat paycheck? A Super Bowl? A gritty ESPN special called Leg of the Tundra: The McManus Miracle? The NFL—and every bar in Wisconsin—waits with bated breath.
Hold tight, Packers Nation. This offseason’s wilder than a cheese curd cannon—and twice as greasy
