The NFL offseason has officially jumped the shark, and it’s all thanks to a wild showdown between Green Bay Packers head coach Matt LaFleur and San Francisco 49ers dynamo Deebo Samuel. On Wednesday morning, LaFleur, sporting his signature backwards cap and a look of desperation only a playoff choke artist could muster, told reporters, “I’ll do whatever it takes to get Deebo Samuel to Green Bay. I’ll trade Jordan Love, melt down the Lombardi Trophies for cash, and personally shovel snow off his driveway every winter. We need him—bad.”

Enter Deebo Samuel, the human highlight reel who’s apparently decided the Bay Area’s tech-bro vibes aren’t chaotic enough for his taste. Hours after LaFleur’s plea hit the airwaves, Samuel dropped a bombshell response via a TikTok Live stream—filmed, naturally, while bench-pressing a Tesla in his garage. “Matt wants me in Green Bay? Alright, but I’m not going unless he trades me for Love, throws in a lifetime supply of cheese curds, and renames Lambeau Field ‘Deebo’s House.’ Oh, and I want his beard—I’m keeping it as a trophy.”

That’s right, folks. In a twist that’s equal parts genius and unhinged, Samuel’s not just angling for a trade—he’s demanding LaFleur’s meticulously groomed facial hair as part of the deal. Sources close to Deebo—possibly just his gym bro hypeman—say he’s dead serious. “Deebo’s over San Francisco’s fog and $20 lattes,” the source grunted between deadlifts. “He wants that Midwest grit, some fried cheese, and Matt’s beard glued to his face like a Viking warrior. It’s a mood.”

LaFleur, never one to shy away from a challenge (or a chance to overcomplicate a fourth-down call), didn’t blink. “Deebo wants my beard? Done. I’ll shave it off live on ‘Pardon My Take’ and FedEx it to him. Jordan Love? He’s young, but he’s no Deebo—sorry, kid. And the cheese curds? I’ve got a guy in Sheboygan who owes me a favor. This is happening.” The Packers faithful, already notorious for tailgating harder than most teams play, erupted on X with chants of “DEE-BO! DEE-BO!”—and a few confused posts wondering if cheese curds come in bulk.

The NFL, still recovering from last season’s officiating debacles and whatever Antonio Brown’s been tweeting lately, is reeling. Trading a star quarterback and a coach’s facial hair isn’t exactly covered in the collective bargaining agreement, but Roger Goodell’s reportedly too busy Googling “beard transplant legality” to comment. Meanwhile, 49ers fans are apoplectic, flooding social media with blurry photoshops of Deebo in Packers green and pleas for Kyle Shanahan to “chain him to the Golden Gate Bridge.” Packers fans, on the other hand, are already knitting Samuel jerseys out of leftover bratwurst wrappers.

Pundits can’t decide if this is madness or brilliance. “This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” screamed one ESPN talking head, accidentally knocking over his coffee. “Deebo’s a weapon, but trading Love and renaming Lambeau? That’s how you lose a fanbase!” Others see a twisted logic. “If Deebo shows up with LaFleur’s beard and turns Green Bay into a Super Bowl contender, it’s the greatest flex since Favre’s Wrangler ads,” mused Colin Cowherd, sipping something pretentious. “I’m here for it.”

The 49ers, caught off guard by their star’s latest antics, are reportedly “exploring options” if the deal includes Love, a truckload of curds, and a promise that LaFleur stops calling jet sweeps “innovative.” Shanahan, looking like he hasn’t slept since the Super Bowl loss, shrugged and said, “Deebo’s gonna do Deebo. If he wants to freeze in Green Bay and wear Matt’s beard like a scarf, I’ll just draw up plays for someone else.”

Will this bonkers trade actually go down? Probably not—the NFL might intervene, or LaFleur might realize his beard’s his only good feature. But in a league where quarterbacks meditate in darkness caves and the Lions are somehow good now, don’t rule it out. One thing’s certain: Deebo Samuel just turned the offseason into a circus, and we’re all just along for the ride—bearded or not.