In a move that’s got Motown buzzing louder than a V8 engine on Woodward Avenue, the Detroit Lions are reportedly inches away from inking a record-breaking deal with Ohio State offensive lineman Donovan Jackson—a 6-foot-4, 320-pound behemoth who’s promising to “pancake the NFC into submission” and finally drag this cursed franchise out of its decades-long ditch. Sources say the Lions are ready to smash the bank, and maybe a few kneecaps, to lock down the college star before he even sniffs the 2025 NFL Draft.

The scoop comes straight from a grease-stained booth at a Detroit diner, where our exclusive source—a Lions janitor who claims he overheard GM Brad Holmes whispering into a burner phone—says the team’s offering Jackson “$100 million over six years, a custom lowrider with Honolulu Blue hydraulics, and a personal Coney dog chef.” “Donovan’s the missing piece,” Holmes allegedly barked, mid-bite of a chili fry. “He’ll help us run over Green Bay, stiff-arm Chicago, and moonwalk past Minnesota—all the way to the Super Bowl! Jared Goff’s already calling him ‘Big Daddy Pancake!’”

Jackson, a standout guard who moonlighted at tackle for the Buckeyes in 2024, isn’t even draft-eligible yet—but why let a little thing like reality stop the Lions from dreaming bigger than a Renaissance Center penthouse? Rumor has it head coach Dan Campbell personally flew to Columbus in a chopper painted with teeth, stormed Jackson’s dorm, and challenged him to a bench-press duel to prove his worth. “I lifted 500 pounds, he lifted 501,” Campbell allegedly growled to reporters, flexing a bicep the size of a linebacker’s thigh. “Kid’s a beast—he’s in, or I’ll eat my playbook raw!”

The Lions, fresh off a 2024 season that saw them flirt with glory before tripping over their own shoelaces, see Jackson as the key to keeping their vaunted O-line the NFL’s nastiest. With Kevin Zeitler hitting free agency at 35 and Graham Glasgow’s PFF grade dipping lower than a pothole on I-75, Detroit’s allegedly ready to crown Jackson their new trench king. “He’s got the agility of a cheetah and the power of a Mack truck,” gushed offensive coordinator Ben Johnson, reportedly sketching trick plays where Jackson moonlights as a fullback and Goff rides piggyback.

Not everyone’s revving up for this blockbuster, though. NFL insider Adam Schefter X’d last night: “Lions chasing Jackson pre-draft? Either they’re geniuses, or they’ve lost the plot faster than a Dan Campbell fourth-down call.” Vikings fans are scoffing, “$100M for a guard? They’ll still choke by December,” while Packers fans just posted laughing cow emojis—because cheese is their only comeback. Lions faithful, meanwhile, are split: half are ready to tattoo Jackson’s face on their biceps, the other half are muttering, “Great, another hype train to derail in the playoffs.”

The stakes roared higher when Jackson was allegedly spotted this week at a Detroit chop shop, inspecting a matte-black Mustang while livestreaming to his 1.5 million TikTok followers. Witnesses claim he hollered, “This is my Lions ride—watch me pave the road to the Super Bowl!” before accidentally revving into a dumpster and laughing it off—content that’s already hit 2.5 million views and scored a sponsorship from Ford.

What’s next? If this deal somehow happens, Jackson could turn Detroit’s line into a buzzsaw that carves up the NFC North like a Thanksgiving turkey. Picture it: Jackson flattening edge rushers, Campbell roaring from the sideline, and Goff tossing TDs from a pocket cushier than a Cadillac. Or maybe it’s just another Lions fever dream, destined to crash harder than a ‘90s Pontiac in a snowstorm.

Jackson’s latest X post, dropped this morning, keeps the engine humming: “Big things in Motown—stay tuned, fam.” Big things where, Donovan? The draft? The O-line? A gritty Discovery special called Pancake Dynasty: The Jackson Era? The NFL—and every bar in Detroit—waits with bated breath.

Buckle up, Lions fans. This offseason’s wilder than a burnout at the Dream Cruise—and twice as greasy.