In a bombshell that’s rattled the Golden Gate more than a 6.0 quake, San Francisco 49ers tight end George Kittle has dropped a statement so absurd it’s left NFL fans choking on their overpriced IPAs. The beloved gridiron goofball, known for bulldozing linebackers and chugging beers with the finesse of a frat bro, reportedly vowed, “If Aaron Rodgers joins the 49ers, I’m shaving my head, ditching football, and joining a monastery—because I’d rather chant in silence than catch passes from that drama llama!”

The alleged outburst erupted during a chaotic scene at a Santa Clara dive bar, where Kittle, sporting a cutoff tank top and a mullet that screams “business in the front, blasphemy in the back,” addressed a rowdy crowd of Niners faithful and one very confused bartender. “I love this team,” he roared, slamming a pint glass down with enough force to crack the bar top, according to our totally reliable source—a bearded bouncer who claims Kittle once hugged him after a playoff win. “But if Rodgers and his ayahuasca vibes roll into San Fran, I’m out—give me a robe and a vow of silence over that smug mustache any day!”

Rumor has it the declaration came after a late-night text rant with head coach Kyle Shanahan, who allegedly floated the idea of luring Rodgers from the New York Jets with “a $40 million deal, a private yoga retreat, and a lifetime supply of kombucha.” Kittle reportedly fired back, “Keep your hippie QB, Kyle! I’d rather wrestle a grizzly than block for a guy who thinks he’s smarter than the playbook!” before storming off to film a TikTok of himself chugging a gallon of Gatorade while screaming, “Faithful forever—Rodgers never!”

Kittle, who hauled in 65 catches for 860 yards and 7 touchdowns in 2024 despite the 49ers’ eternal “almost there” curse, isn’t even up for free agency—but why let facts ruin a good meltdown? Whispers of Rodgers eyeing a Bay Area redemption arc have swirled since his Jets tenure imploded in a haze of cryptic pressers and sideline tantrums. The Las Vegas Raiders allegedly offered him a casino stake and a pet falcon, while the Tennessee Titans dangled a moonshine distillery. But if Rodgers lands in San Francisco, Kittle’s apparently ready to trade his No. 85 jersey for a monk’s cowl faster than you can say “third-and-long.”

The 49ers faithful are reeling—if this isn’t just a fever dream from too much Anchor Steam. With Brock Purdy still slinging (and occasionally winging) passes, adding Rodgers could either spark a Super Bowl run or ignite a locker room soap opera juicier than Real Housewives of Silicon Valley. Without Kittle, Shanahan might lean on Deebo Samuel (if he’s not biking to the moon) and a prayer to Joe Montana’s ghost—while the draft looms like a fog over the Bay.

Not everyone’s buying Kittle’s holy exit, though. NFL insider Ian Rapoport X’d last night: “Kittle bailing for a monastery? Sounds like he’s just trolling Rodgers—or dodging another Shanahan trick play.” Niners fans are split: half are chanting “Stay, George!” with heart emojis, while the other half are ready to storm Levi’s Stadium with pitchforks, yelling, “No Rodgers, no retreat!”

The stakes spiked when Kittle was allegedly spotted this week at a San Francisco farmer’s market, haggling over organic kale while livestreaming to his 1.2 million Instagram followers. Witnesses claim he bellowed, “This is my zen now—Rodgers can keep his chaos!” before accidentally knocking over a kombucha stand and bolting—content that’s already hit 2 million views and scored a sponsorship from REI.

What’s next? If Rodgers dons red and gold, will Kittle really shave that iconic mop and trade tackle hugs for silent prayers? Or will he just laugh it off over a beer with Purdy? One thing’s sure: this offseason’s wilder than a Kittle block on a linebacker—and twice as loud.

Kittle’s latest X post, dropped this morning, keeps us guessing: “Faithful ‘til the end—unless HE shows up. Peace out, maybe.” Peace out where, George? The end zone? A mountaintop? A gritty Netflix special called Monk Mode: The Kittle Chronicles? The NFL—and the abbot—waits with bated breath.

Hang on, Niners fans. This ride’s crazier than a Bay Bridge rush hour pileup.